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Wednesday, January 30

The New Song

Slowly the pen touches paper in the guidance of the words that you write
memories roll in of the things you once did
and who you had shared them with, is somebody thinking of you
did I bother telling you this, with the words that cross teeth and jump lips
a poor choice of words in wanting to tell you anything
but words don't come with ease they're forever my hurt
would it really matter if you were to count the days left with your hands
your focus secure and the loves you left well
smiles staged in photographs here until...
you....you left the light on
theres a chance I might have tripped girl
you were there to hold on
ignoring the words of your obnoxious little brother
kill or be killed spilled the words from your mother
I'll lay awake for a while
I'll leave the light on a while
you couldn't last a lifetime caught between here and the days of it
carving her name across your arm with every wish it's hit or miss her
I told you so
I measure distance in lines departing the rest of my life
but you (you, you) had better things to do (X2)...liar
ignoring the words of your obnoxious little brother
kill or be killed spilled the words from your mother
I'll lay awake for a while
I'll leave the light on a while
you couldn't last a lifetime caught between here and the days of it
carving her name across your arm with every wish it's hit or miss her
I told you so
I measure distance in lines departing the rest of my life
if you get put to sleep, like an old dog you're better off if you get put to sleep
I've been cautious with the words I extend
allow this year before the world starts to end
your father's dead he passed in his sleep
and I woke to the sounds of her crying (X3)
you're father's dead he passed in his sleep
pray for us all

Thursday, January 24

The Past


Tuesday, January 22

The Harsh Reality



je veux juste dire que vous me blessez toujours. mais en d├ępit de tout. des battements de ce coeur pour vous..

at one point or another, there will come a time that some of the questions you have been avoiding confront you with unspoken demands for answers. either you surround yourself with distractions and hide behind masks of pretentious joy and mirth or face things head on like a bull about to charge into the arena, not knowing if it is finally meeting the matador that would take its life or it would be just another kill.

at the moment i have several questions, some of which are answerable by yes and no, and some are the what we call objective types: those that require a lengthy explanation for me to fully understand.

what would you feel if something you value means nothing to that one person that means the world to you?

i have no idea what the answer is. i'm in that state where one is in denial, for it just occurred to me that i have put him in a place he does not deserve, such a high pedestal that even the person who currently owns my heart is not worthy.

i cannot think straight. i need my remedy.

*goes to the bedroom and starts the music, dances to the music*

Sunday, January 20

The Moving On Process

I celebrated my 23rd birthday a few weeks ago, and I gave a rare gift to myself.

To tell the man I love what I feel for him.

That's right, I told him what I feel. Of course, given our situation, I have to accept that what I feel is not mutual, and that I could even lose him once I open up.

The bottom line though is, I just wanna be true to myself. If being true would make him go away, then I have to accept it.

I sat in front of the computer for what seemed like hours. I have typed the first sentence but cannot seem to write a follow-up. What I did? I listened to all the songs that I have for him as I read all the conversations I saved from the instant messenger. Suddenly, I was in a state of utopia: as if I was back during the moments that we were having that conversation.

I told him I love him. I told him that me telling him what I feel is not a demand for him to have a relationship with me or even pressure that he at least returns what I feel: I just wanted him to know. No strings attached, because I can love him even without his cooperation.

I learned, for my 23rd birthday, that I can love somebody unconditionally, and that is one of the greatest lessons in life.

I was happy loving him from afar, for you don't love somebody to be loved in return. Love is an emotion that not everyone is capable of understanding. I realized that love really is something that should first be given freely before received..

I sent the email. I waited for a reply. But it never came. I started the new year heartbroken.

So after several nights of tears and asthma attacks, I went to my very own park of solitude near the place where I work, sat down in one of the benches before my shift starts and closed my eyes.

Then I plugged in my headset, played our song in my iPod, and started reading for the last time his messages to my phone. Tears rolled down my face as I remember the feeling when I first received those messages. It was painful remembering what we used to be, what he used to be, but I have to let go. I can still feel the blush that tainted my cheeks whenever he says 'I miss you'.. the warm and happy feeling from deep within whenever he tells me he is thinking of me every single minute of everyday..

I clicked on options, delete and clicked yes.. watching the icons confirm the erasure of the memories, I gave in to tears and depression and started trudging my way to my building. I keep telling myself that it's the right thing to do, for I don't deserve someone who does not even care enough to at least let me know what he thinks.

The pain is terrible.



But I know I can do it. I believe in signs, and I just received one that proves I'll get over this part of my love life.

I met my twin.


Love life is not what I need right now, for there are people who accepts me for who I am and loves me still. So I guess I have to enjoy what and who I have now. I am proud of them. And of course, I love them.