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Wednesday, January 7

There Are No Words FOr This

I have long since decided that I am one exceptional gal in terms of thinking and speaking. This is not to put myself above others but to emphasize the fact that compared to people I move circles with, I have learned more in the same situations that we all experienced. I am aware of my strengths and my weaknesses, my dreams and frustrations. Most of the time, I know what to think, how to react, what words to say, when to say them. Most of the time, but not all.

For there are times that I have no idea, too. And right now is one of them.

In terms of writing, I am exceptional. I write in riddles, I have meanings between the lines, I exist in another world. Just like the other writers both budding and hardcore, I am sensitive when it comes to what I write. Criticize what I am, I'm okay. But criticize what I write, and you'll nail me.

At this point, I am one huge pulp. A fuckin' mess that I don't even know is composed of.

SIGNS, FATE & DESTINY!

it can help you decide as to whether or not you'll believe in signs. :)

this is about THE ex.. he did unforgivable things both of cruel nature and evil nature. difference? cruel, it hurted me. evil, it shamed me.

it was pride(i don't have this.. until the guy)that made me stick to my decision of severing ties. it's my first time to do it. i believe in saving what was left of friendship after breakups, for it is through this that i could move on easier. being friends with an ex makes it easier for me to accept the fact that friendship is what we're meant to have. i can love the guy from a distance, then later on, as time goes by, the love would change into a different form. i mean, ame emotion, but different form and intensity :)

now back to my story, i told myself that severing ties is something that i cannot do. but given the things said and done, not just by him but also people around him, keeping in contact with him would be like continuously opening a wound.

i asked for a sign if we're meant to be friends or not. whatever it is, i'll accept. my sign has a condition: it has to be definite. if mom and dad allowed me on the trip to france that i've been pining for, it means we're through. i'd ask for one last meeting and then i'll leave without looking back.

no deadlines. as long as i'm allowed to go, then that's it.

i told myself that severing ties doesn't mean i haven't forgiven him. i just had to give myself some self-respect, for i do not deserve what he is doing.

in an hour i got a call from my mom and dad, who back then were in baguio.

'you can go to france, but you have to be back in time for the family reunion..'

the next day, i met up with him.

**************

someone who's mind i want to understand told me to read what he wrote. the thing is, i don't want to, because i'm afraid of getting hurt with whatever is written in the entries and i'm hesitant to find out that what i was fearing is true all along.

i asked for a sign. nothing definite this time, but a sign all the same.

the next day, i received a gift from my joyop boys. and i was so overwhelmed. i received that one creature that is repeatedly mentioned in the heading of what he wants me to read.

that night, i read the notes.

**************

signs have a way of guiding us, but like what fate and destiny are to most, they are there to guide us, not to determine what's right or wrong and what we must and must not do, but to clear the hazy dilemmas that we have no idea how to get out of.

to some, it's a matter of blind belief, to some, just coincidence. but whatever it means, one thing is for sure. signs, destiny and fate are cosmic miracles that inspires us or helps us. those unworldly forces that some think are for fools.

it's your take. the meaning is for you to decide.

my thoughts =)

Thoughts on.. Whatever!

in a way, i am alone too, but i am not lonely..

where do you think nanggaling yung 70% brain-30% heart na division when it comes to decision making?

not just because mas mataas ang brain sa heart in terms of position sa katawan naten. it was put there because it's the one that is SUPPOSED to make the decisions. the heart has a mind of its own, we all know that, di ba nga most of us believed in following our hearts.. that in doing so, we will be happy..but did it ever occur to you guys that happinness is never the forever kind.. that what makes it beautiful is because it surfaces after every pain, after every hurt, after every depression.. rainbow after the rain, sunlight just after dawn.. if you haven't noticed, the heart goes with the flow.. it never contradicts the CHOICE.. so if choice mong malungkot, it will be sad.. if choice mong maging happy, it will be happy..

do not fear solitude and melancholia.. we are humans.. we are born and meant to feel all things beautiful and all things ugly.. it's the only way we will be able to appreciate life.. if we do not feel happinness, how will we have hope when we are in our trying times? if we do not undergo bad experiences and trials, how will we learn to appreciate the good things that come our way? :)

my thoughts..

Tuesday, January 6

Wasted!(My Turn)

Sometimes, I still don't feel like I matter to my friends.

Make that most of the time.

Darn!