March 5, 2008 =)

I think some of you know how us started more than a year ago. For those who don't, this is an accounting. ;) The real life Shrek and Fiona of PExlandia =D

I met him in one of my petix nights at work. I got a PM(private message) from a certain "jandeaux" who asked for my number. He left his. I contemplated on ignoring him, but I got really intrigued of the French username that I decided not to reply BUT to instead text him so he'll know my number.

"Hi! Got your PM! Eeyan here aka RMM(readmymind). God bless!"

Message sent. seconds after that, I got a reply. Wow! Uhaw sa katext? Haha! I read the message and then decided to ignore him. Got work to do and I can't afford being caught texting.

The next day, I got a "good morning,ingat pagpasok!", "good afternoon, don't forget lunch!", "good evening,ingat pag-uwi!" at isang tambak na quotes from John(sabi niya yun name niya,haha!). Literally flooded, but he got nothing from me but my silence. Still, he was so patient, hindi ko nga alam kung saan niya nakuha ang dedication niya na magforward ng not less than 20 text messages a day sa 'kin and God knows how many else textmates he got for himself.

A month of ignoring him(yes,A MONTH! as in 30 full days)lead to that one fateful night when I was so freakin' depressed na gusto ko mapag-isa muna. I was in Ortigas Park crying my heart out with only AMF(my iPod video)and my cellphone for company. People were staring at me in wonder, unspoken questions in their eyes. I didn't care. I am in my own world where no one but me and my pains exist. No one at least, until he texted.

"Hi Eeyan! Kamusta? I'm inviting you to have coffee with me and dinner aferwards or vice versa this weekend sa High Street! My treat! I just want to share my blessings kasi with you! You've been nice to me!"

For those who are constant victims of his texts, aware naman na kayo na walang ibang kilala si John kundi question mark at exclamation point. Period and comma are not in his vocabulary so I was imagining him shouting the invitation kung sakaling kaharap ko siya. ;)

I was open mouthed! Nice daw ako???? E dedma galore nga ako sa kanya? But courtesy prompted me to reply, finally.

"Hi, John! Sorry for the super late reply, actually ang tyaga mo. Haha! Salamat sa quotes! Night shift kasi ako, and I go home to Bulacan pa. Bihira ako sa QC kasi matao, I wouldn't be able to rest much. Ingat ka na lang and congratulations! Ano nga pala nabenta mo? Hehe! Next time na lang. Medyo depressed din kasi ako ngayon."

I was depressed because of "him". Our story is not for public reading so let's just say that.. that man is evil. Literally. Incarnate. Upon hearing my depression, John started flooding me again! I was so stunned, I didn't know if mata-touch ako or maaasar. His messages were sweet, very sweet nga to the point na inappropriate na kasi, first time ko pa lang siyang replyan tapos ganun. Nagdalawang isip pa kong sumagot. But then, one message stood out, and I think that was what changed everything sa 'ming dalawa.

"Sabi ng mga tao sa Single's Wall strong ka diba??????? So be strong! At tsaka andito ako, friend!"

Friend? Wushu! Friend your face :p

I had no plans na of going to work with the state I'm in, but I don't wanna go home either. So to keep me from being insane with depression, I said yes to texting him. I just remembered that my boss is on leave that night.

I had a nice time with my newfound confidante. I was still hesitant about how much I’d share, though. It’s not for lack of trust or fear of impression. It’s just that, I thought he wouldn’t understand. In all my years, one thing I learned in life is not to explain more than what’s necessary to someone who won’t even make an effort to understand where I’m coming from. He told me na anjan lang siya, willing to listen. And listen he did =)

He went to sleep around 2AM na, first time ko siyang replyan, sinulit niya haha!

The next day, he woke up and surprised me with a "good evening, eeyan! ingat pag-uwi! don't forget dinner!" message for me. It made me smile. Genuinely. The thought of him adjusting his messages to suit my schedule, I find it so sweet, beyond words. Just last night I was down with depression and now, not 6 hours later, kinikilig ako anew. What the??

When I woke up early evening to prepare for work, I have a "good morning, eeyan! ingat pagpasok! eat breakfast huh?! mwah!" message from John. Wow. Talk about effort.

You might ask me why I trusted the guy with my problem that night. My answer is I have no idea except I know I needed to let it out. John is nice enough to care to listen and stranger enough not to run into some of my friends who know all about "him". And so I shared.

On my way to work, I was texting him, again, and that became a nightly habit for me. One I didn't know would last until today, as I write this. He was persistent on asking me out to dinner and coffee, and I was as persistent in turning him down. I am in no mood to go out with anyone, not to mention that alarm bells are warning me that this guy might like me, another point against him and another reason to not go out.

Slowly, I was on the path to recovery thanks to John. Walang sawang nakikinig, nagpi-flirt(opo!malandi siya noon pa!), nagpaparamdam, hala! Di ko alam what to make of what he was showing me back then. Hindi sa anupaman but I guess being a PExer and being in clans for so many years made me get used to guys making paramdam. I’m not saying hindi ako kinikilig, hindi ako affected.. I WAS! Pero I was thinking back then na it wouldn’t last, yung "attraction" niya sa ‘ken. Boy, was I wrong!

It was the early days of March when I started harboring thoughts of "what ifs". What if makipagkita ako sa kanya? What if pumayag akong ilabas niya ko? What if ako ang magyaya?

It was March that I started a new day job(finally!). It was in one of my trips to the office that John and I had "THAT" conversation.

Traffic, and we were both on the road, I was off to Makati and he's bound for Serendra for a meeting with a client. He said the songs playing in the cab are like signs for him to finally take the risk. Simply Jessie was among them and that was the first time that he dedicated the song to me. I know what he was talking about but typical girly me wanted to hear it just the same. So I prodded and prodded until he gave in and admitted that he was falling for me.

"I know it’s a great risk for me, huh! Pero I think I’m falling in love with you!"

I have heard declarations of love countless of times, real and otherwise. But never yung ganun ka-unsure. I could feel him hesitating, I misinterpreted the reason for it though because I was being my typical selfish self: I thought he was hesitant because of pride.. Na baka iniisip niya, magri-risk siya sa ‘ken pero not 100% kasi masakit din yung ma-reject. I didn’t know there’s more to him that I didn't know.

March 4, 2008 at around 9PM, we were texting that lasted until around 3AM the next day. I was in QC that time, I wasn't able to go home to Bulacan because of my period, and I can't travel farther. We talked about everything under the sun. John is wise, and I like the way he admits things na hindi niya alam. He isn't afraid to ask questions, and he accepts it when he's wrong. We debated on numerous topics, discussed PEx, life and love and all intricate topics webbing themselves between and around us.

Around 4AM, my mom texted me and asked if I'm feeling better. Groggy and sleepy, I replied, "Yes po, I love you!" and then gave in to slumber.

A few hours later, I woke up with a full inbox. All from John. I smiled, and started reading.. and got the shock of my life.

MAY BOYFRIEND NA KO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, I sent him my reply to my mom's inquiry and I didn't bother checking. I was also shocked to find out that his last text before we both slept was "Antok ka na? I love you, Eeyan!" and the message he got from me can be considered an appropriate response.

I'm trapped!

I prepared for work, taking my time in the shower and then resumed thinking about the mess I'm in in the cab on my way to work. I enumerated reasons why I have to break up. Numero uno, wrong sent lang ako. Second, I don't wanna be unfair. If ever in the near future I decide to give John a chance, it would be because I fell in love with him, not because I am in dire need of someone to help me move on from a previous flame. John deserves my heart whole, not half. Third, I like him, yes. Very much as a matter of fact, but I don't love him. And stupid as it may sound, I still believe in fairytales.

When I got to the office, I got a call from John asking that we meet up later that night. I panicked! But like one of his clients, he sweet-talked me into meeting up and before I knew it, I have a dinner date for that night. With my.. err, boyfriend. Looking back, he did every tactic to get me to agree to go out with him, to the point of desperation, and maybe that's why I agreed. And also to get it over with.

I logged-on to Friendster and tried finding him. Anonymous naman ako mag-view so it doesn't matter, he wouldn't know I peeked into his account. And I got the surprise of my life.

Married.

A 7-letter word that gave me geesebumps(goose pala) all over.

I was hurt and sad, hurt because he kept it from me, sad because even after the hesitations, at the back of my mind, I was contemplating on giving us both a chance to be together.

The whole afternoon flew and before I know it, it was time to go.

I got a message that John is downstairs na. I wanted to leave the office via the Fire Exit. AYOKO MAGPAKITA SA KANYA!!! But something inside me, my conscience, I think, wanted me to at least take into consideration his effort of finding where my office is, and the amount of persuasion he gave me that afternoon. Plus, it's better to break up with him in person.

And so I stepped into what would be the longest elevator ride of my life. Partida, 3rd floor lang ang office ko.

At first sight, he hugged me real tight and kissed me. What the? He smiled though, pinched my cheek and then took my hand, and we started walking towards Yellow Cab in Greenbelt.

I was babbling all the while, and he was just looking at me, holding my hand, smiling so wide na parang mapupunit na yung mukha niya. I keep asking myself how the hell can someone be that happy?

Sa Yellow Cab, he ate. I watched and thought of how to break up with him. When he was done, I started chewing the pizza and the meatball pasta. They used to be my favorite, but my nerves were at breaking point, I didn't know how to start a breakup speech.

Then, the ogre took my hand, held it tightly in his chest, and began his story.

He was married with a daughter, but he's been legally separated for two years now, the time the conversation was taking place. He was trembling, but he told his tale with strength. He did everything to save the marriage, but to no avail.

He told me, while looking into my eyes with tears in his, that the reason why he wanted to meet up with me today, the day I supposedly officially accepted him as my boyfriend, is because he wanted to tell that to me. That he never meant to keep it from me, he just wants to tell it in person, and to see my reaction.

And he wants things to end in person should that be my decision.

I’ve never felt so special until that moment. For him to tell me the truth that early on in our relationship, not keeping it from me, risking everything, even the relationship he just had, is way, way out-of-this-world overwhelming.

The thing is, John risked everything he worked so hard for. And it was then that I realized that I was in love.

And I kissed him =)

That was a year ago, and so many things have happened since then. We've been through so many things together and yet I still find it hard to believe it was only a year that has passed since we've been a couple. Madami na kami nakainan, napasyalan, nasimbahan, napuntahan, nagawa, wah! Naisuko ko pa ang Bataan! :p Damn, I love you!

Society's norms are against me in this relationship, but I was prepared. I re-entered "us" that night in Yellow Cab with the determination that by hook or by crook, I will make this work. I can already see my mom and dad's reaction, not to mention some of my closest friends, hell, all my relatives pa! But I reminded myself that I never let other people's reaction affect my judgment, my decisions and my life. Being the typical Capricorn the Goat, I live true to form. Stubborn.

I was once told that between John and me, I'm the one with more choices. Madaming guys na single, madaming guys na ka-age ko, why am I going out with someone 13 years my senior? Anu naman daw mapapala ko sa tulad niya when I can have my pick of the guys who wanna go out with me. I told that person na I didn't get into the relationship for personal gain. That's about the stupidest reason one can give me for getting into one. I find it selfish not to mention downright unfair.

A lot of people also told me of the risks. Na kesyo sasaktan lang ako ni John, na magsasawa lang din siya sa ken, etc etc. But you know what, guys? I don't care. Signs lead him to me, and fate made us cross each other's paths. Who am I to intervene with unworldly forces? This is a cosmic miracle happening in my very life.

He has been one of the greatest blessings I've ever had, and I'm not saying that as a head-over-heels girlfriend. I am stating a fact. Just like I said seven months ago on my birthday blog for him, no one and I mean no one can be perfectly meant for me as John. He puts up with my tantrums, he listens to my rants, he hugs and kisses me whenever I'm feeling down, always keeping his distance whenever I need space and yet close enough to offer moral support. All immaterial things considered, John and I are overflowing.

Yes, he sucks at delivering jokes, he's cornier than all those messages they publish in tabloids, heck, he is a living tribute to jokes of years ago! But he still makes me smile and laugh my heart and throat out.

A clown, a lover, a pillow, a partner. A best friend, a diary, a critic, a joker. A pet, a radio, a teacher, a fan. A toy, a father, a son, a man.

Happy anniversary, Lamberto!!! Jane Francis loves you very, very much! =D